It's the sinking feeling in your belly as you pull out of the driveway. It's the sharp pain in your heart when the baby sitter shares a story that YOU MISSED. It's the feeling you get when you are working at your desk and wishing you were home with your children instead. It's the way your heart breaks when your child beggs you, "please don't go to work today, stay home with me." It's something that we moms know all too well and it is a very very very very powerful thing. It's Mommy Guilt.
I (we) wanted these kiddos so badly that we went through years of heartache and fertility treatments. THEN, I practically stood on my head for 31 weeks and 5 days (hell yes I count those 5 days!) to give them a fighting chance. I stayed home with them until they turned 5 years old and never missed a moment, big or small. I have been back to work full time for a little over a year now... and sadly, it just does not get easier. These years are so precious and before we know it, they are not going to want anything to do with us. Talk about torn. One one hand, I have to work. It's our reality. On the other hand, what is more important than our children? We only get one shot at this parent gig! This truth rips my heart out. Every. Single. Day.
Honestly, I love what I do and the people I work with! Selfishly, it feels WONDERFUL to be "Genny" again and not only "Mommy." Part of this truth feeds the mommy guilt. Good Gawd it feeds the mommy guilt. So not only do I feel terrible for not being home with them every second of the day, I feel guilty because I like not being home with them all darn day as well.
I know things will get easier when school starts back up. I know it will (trying to convince myself by saying it over and over..). But then we face all of the issues we had last school year. New school, new teacher, they will get sick, they may struggle adjusting, etc. I will feel TORN. Yep, there is that word again "torn...."
Do you know how many songs I have going through my head right now? Bottom line, being a parent, a GOOD parent, is the hardest job on Earth. We only have one shot and we can only hope and pray that we do what is right. I know I'm not alone in this sentiment, but somehow that still doesn't make it easier lately.
I can't tell you what tomorrow will bring and can't promise I won't risk it all to be back home with my kiddos at some point. All I know is, I want what is best for them, because I wanted them more than life itself.
Mommy Guilt 1, Gen 0.