It's the sinking feeling in your belly as you pull out of the driveway. It's the sharp pain in your heart when the baby sitter shares a story that YOU MISSED. It's the feeling you get when you are working at your desk and wishing you were home with your children instead. It's the way your heart breaks when your child beggs you, "please don't go to work today, stay home with me." It's something that we moms know all too well and it is a very very very very powerful thing. It's Mommy Guilt.
I (we) wanted these kiddos so badly that we went through years of heartache and fertility treatments. THEN, I practically stood on my head for 31 weeks and 5 days (hell yes I count those 5 days!) to give them a fighting chance. I stayed home with them until they turned 5 years old and never missed a moment, big or small. I have been back to work full time for a little over a year now... and sadly, it just does not get easier. These years are so precious and before we know it, they are not going to want anything to do with us. Talk about torn. One one hand, I have to work. It's our reality. On the other hand, what is more important than our children? We only get one shot at this parent gig! This truth rips my heart out. Every. Single. Day.
Honestly, I love what I do and the people I work with! Selfishly, it feels WONDERFUL to be "Genny" again and not only "Mommy." Part of this truth feeds the mommy guilt. Good Gawd it feeds the mommy guilt. So not only do I feel terrible for not being home with them every second of the day, I feel guilty because I like not being home with them all darn day as well.
I know things will get easier when school starts back up. I know it will (trying to convince myself by saying it over and over..). But then we face all of the issues we had last school year. New school, new teacher, they will get sick, they may struggle adjusting, etc. I will feel TORN. Yep, there is that word again "torn...."
Do you know how many songs I have going through my head right now? Bottom line, being a parent, a GOOD parent, is the hardest job on Earth. We only have one shot and we can only hope and pray that we do what is right. I know I'm not alone in this sentiment, but somehow that still doesn't make it easier lately.
I can't tell you what tomorrow will bring and can't promise I won't risk it all to be back home with my kiddos at some point. All I know is, I want what is best for them, because I wanted them more than life itself.
Mommy Guilt 1, Gen 0.
I feel your pain, mama!! I go back and forth so often in my head about if I should be working this much or not. I miss the good old days - and I miss you!!
ReplyDeleteTotal lurker here but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I have went through the seem thing. I spent time at home, went back to work for a year and was guilty every single day!!!! During that year I searched high and low, started me a little business on etsy.com and by summer, I was able to run my business from home while my kids sat in the same room watching TV! Yet I still feel guilty b/c they complain about me always being on the computer but atleast I am here with them. Not to mention the added bonus....for the first time in my life my hobby is my job!!!! Good luck!!!
ReplyDeleteaww I feel your pain but a large part of me kicks that mommy guilt in the teeth and says, this is what it takes for me to be a good parent.
ReplyDeleteGen - I could have written this post myself!! As a teacher, I've tried to reassure myself that daycare/preschool was good for them and I was doing good while helping other children, too...but many, MANY days, I wish I was just home with my own children. Now that the twins are in school, I do feel a little less guilty but my youngest still cries almost daily at his preschool/daycare drop off. :-( I know he's happy and fine after I leave and he's always happy when I pick him up, but its enough to tug at my heart on a regular basis.
ReplyDeleteYou're right...being a GOOD parent is hard work - I guess that we second guess ourselves and have this guilt is a sign we're doing something right, huh? (at least I hope so!)
Hang in there and I'll do the same in a few weeks when school's back in session and I'm back to work!
I'm not a mom, but I have been reading your blog for... well, years, and you are an AMAZING mother. Your kids are so blessed.
ReplyDeleteGen - if it makes you feel any better, my mom worked outside of the home my entire life... and I don't remember being sad or wishing she was there... I remember all of the fun stuff we did as a family at night and on weekends. I also remember how much I love her and my dad! I also learned A LOT about hard work and selflessness. My parents worked hard and sacrificed a lot so that we could go to the school we went to and do the things we got to do.
ReplyDeleteLike I said, as an adult (and a parent myself), looking back, my memories are all of going to church together and getting donuts on the way home, swimming, birthday parties, playing outside, making suppers and desserts, weekend trips, sporting events, reading books, watching movies.... NOT missing her while she was at work.
YOU ARE AN AWESOME MAMA. Don't let the guilt eat you up =) Hugs.
love, MK Segrest
Gen - You expressed it so beautifully. It is so hard being a working parent...but then one day you look around and your children are grown, self sufficient, loving, independent and basically just amazing people and you are finally able to say to yourself -- it was the love and caring and laughter and joy and helping and guiding and support and all the things you are as a parent - no matter where you are or what you are doing -- they know you are there, they know you love them and they know you and Conor have their backs. Your kids are amazing and they will continue to be for the rest of their lives. Don't waste one second in guilt - spend it all in joy.
ReplyDeletesweetie... I sooo hear you.... but you know what, I think its quality of time not quantity.... it has to be otherwise all mums would be crazy in the coconut!!! seriously its tough, our kids are so longed for so loved but we are people too... the balance is tough.... I am lucky as a teacher I get holidays with my boys do you have that option... even without pay??? honestly it gives you no break but its the only way I can balance it all much love to you honey xxxx
ReplyDeleteLeonie from Aus..... I have missed you!
:( i've totally experienced the mommy guilt. i just recently was able to start being a SAHM...and now i miss work! it's crazy.
ReplyDeletefound you through M&M...nice to 'meet' you! you have an adorable family!
I am a counselor in a school so I feel like I get the best of both worlds, summers off to be with them, vacations it helps with the guilt. When I was growing up my Mom stayed home never worked, as we got to be teen going our own ways, her life seemed so empty, yes a clean house and ironed clothes but empty it was then I said I want to juggle motherhood and a career to be a role model for my kids that I am proud to have a career and proud to be a Mom. My daughter is going to college this September to be a counselor like me, I must have done something right. The pangs of leaving for college area other story..
ReplyDeleteFound you via M&M. This is the perfect post for me now. My girls are still at home, but this is our LAST year before kinder. I'm struggling with whether I'm going back full time or just part time, so I can still be super involved.
ReplyDeleteI hear you. I think every mom struggles with mom guilt. I have worked all of my childrens lives. I would much rather stay at home but it is just not realistic. I also see how my older one is independent and me working is normal for him b/c I have done it every day of his live. I still want to be the mom that is the room mom and volunteer and do whatever. Serious mom guilt. I think everyone struggles with this. I just do my best to be the best mom that I can be. YOu are a wonderful mom.
ReplyDeleteYour mom worked, and she raised four super amazing kids! And yes, she had a good case of the mommy guilt too, but it all worked out, right? As long as you don't work to just pay for bigger and better cars, unnecessary 'toys' etc., you are just doing what you need to do!
ReplyDeleteI understand your sentiment with only one little one at home - I cannot imagine with 4 little faces, little hearts and little minds at home when I am not. It is such a struggle as a working mom; there's no question. But then again I am a product of a working mom, and I have a great relationship with her and had a good childhood, so I wonder if I'm just too hard on myself. But I don't know how to be another way. I guess I haven't been helpful, but at least I can empathize.
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