Broken to the Core (and belly shots too...)

I hate this. I hate what it is doing to me and I HATE what it is doing to my family. I cannot be the wife, mother, friend, and person I want to be. I am pathetic ALL. THE. TIME. I feel, broken.

Broken.

Broken.

Broken.

So what is this little pity party all about? What could possibly be THAT bad? I have a wonderful husband, beautiful, healthy, happy, children, and a fantastic life filled with so much love it's bursting at the seams. I am incredibly lucky and I truly have NOTHING to complain about. The problem is, my body did not get the memo.

Conor affectionately refers to me as his "Little Lemon." Like a car that didn't get the full inspection off the assembly line, my body does not work properly. It really never has (rewind 7+ years to our battle with infertility). I prefer to say that God put me together after happy hour! ;)

But, the truth is, it's not funny. After eight long years of dealing with a variety of health issues, no amount of deflection, humor, or power of positive thinking can change the fact that it's affecting our life in a way that is no longer acceptable.

So, get to the point, right?! What's the problem, this time?!

Well, I need to start from the beginning...

When we started this blog Conor was the one who wrote it. We were pregnant, scared to death, and wanting to keep our family and friends all over the country in the loop. He wrote about the pregnancy hysterically from his point of view. But, I never shared my side of the story. Why would I? He did a fantastic job and his view made me smile every single day. God love that amazing hubby of mine. But now, 5 + years later, I think it's time for me to open up a little about what is was REALLY like for me.

When I was pregnant with the quads my body was asked to do the impossible, and it did, surprising quite well. Despite my initial inability to carry 1 baby to term, I carried the quads to 31 weeks and 5 days. Around week 17 I was measuring full term (40 weeks). For a minute, try and imagine how big I was. I was FULL TERM AT 17 WEEKS AND CONTINUED TO CARRY TO 31 WEEKS AND 5 DAYS. Pictures do not do it justice.

The last picture we took- the babies came nearly 2 weeks later.

When I stretched my arms out in front of me, my left hand fingers could not touch my right hand. I shot out like a torpedo. I gained 80 lbs of belly, baby, cords, four sacs, four bags of water, etc. It was in short, insanely painful, but worth every moment. EVERY. SINGLE. MOMENT. At the end I was practically standing on my head to keep them in and I would have done anything in my power to make sure our babies made it safely into this world. The repercussions of carrying them did not matter to me. All that mattered was our babies. Period.

As a result of the pregnancy, I was left with broken ribs, a wrecked bladder, and a uterus that had to be removed last year. I thought that was the worst of it until they recently discovered a skeletal muscle system that split from sternum to pubic bone.

To this day my liver still gets stuck under my right rib cage when I stretch or bend over. I never expected my body to look "normal" again and I didn't care, as long as it worked. In truth, I'm proud of my war wounds. So proud, I'm gonna show y'all a picture of my post prego belly for the very first time on the blog....

Yep, I just waddled to the bathroom to take this pictures for y'all!

Why did I "waddle?"

I'm getting to that part, I swear! ;)

My BFF the blue back brace. I'm NEVER without this sexy bad boy.

And.. my glorious belly.

(I can't even pretend to suck it in anymore)

Pretty Huh?! ;) When people don't believe that I carried my babies, all I have to do is lift up my shirt. And believe you me, I have done this. In public. More than once. No Joke.

To make a long story short (although failing at that already...), my hysterectomy fixed a lot of my internal issues. THANK GOD! But, it only fixed part of my real problems. After my hysterectomy I thought I could take on the world. One small problem, I have NO abdominal support. ZIP. ZERO. ZILCH. How could I? My core muscles are unattached and flanking my sides. I had no idea how important those muscles were until I couldn't use them correctly. It turned into a vicious cycle. The more I tried to use my core the more my back hurt. And, it hurt, A LOT. So, I worked my core harder, thinking it would strengthen my back. The harder I worked my core the more my belly began to bulge and the worse my back got. UNTIL I began to slip disks. Whoops.

The best way I can explain it is .... it FEELS like all my weight is being held/supported by my spine, and only my spine. Sharp, shooting pains down my lower back, into my hips and legs. The pain is blinding, and utterly debilitating leaving me unable to stand, sit upright, sleep comfortably, breathe or even have someone touch me. The result is months of sleepless nights and pain that even prescription narcotics can't put a dent in. Without a functional core, we are off balance in every aspect of our lives, not only physically but emotionally as well. Until now, I've never really understood what that meant.

After COUNTLESS doctors visits, physical therapy sessions, stressful/painful testing, and surgical consults later, I have no core and will NEVER have any core support again IF, I don't have a full Abdominoplasty. That's right, a "tummy tuck" is actually the potential answer to my problems. BUT, this surgery is so much more. My doctor is fantastic and comes highly recommended. Dr. Charles T. Longo. He is the best reconstructive plastic surgeon in town. He is going to build me a new abdominal wall, bring my skeletal muscles back to center, reattach them, and make me a new person. I can't lie, I'm starting to feel a little like the bionic woman! With a new core, it's possible that the damage I have done to my spine (Lumbar 1-5) will HEAL (as much as spinal injuries can heal) and life will, for the first time in 9 years, be PAIN FREE!!

Is it possible that I won't live in fear of my back going OUT? God willing, YES! I know those of you with back issues get what I'm saying. It's time. AND, the best part, when he's done rebuilding my ENTIRE CORE, he cuts off all that extra skin hanging off my belly! Yes, in the end, I even get a nip/tuck out of this mess. Go figure. I've always joked about getting one, just never thought it would happen like this. Hey, I'm not about to complain about THAT little perk.

In all seriousness, the stress this situation has put on our family both emotionally and financially makes me want to crawl under a rock and die. Not being able to do "normal" things without throwing out my back is terribly frustrating and depressing. Chronic, debilitating pain is no way to live and I have suffered with this for far too long. My family has suffered far too long.

If this surgery changes my life, the way it is supposed to, their isn't a marathon I won't run, mountain I won't climb, or house I won't clean! GOD I MISS VACUUMING! Seriously, all it takes to throw my back out these days is pushing the old rug sweeper.

Despite all that carrying quadruplets has done to the old body, I would not take back a single moment, a single breath, or a single precious day. Carrying them as long as I did was a miracle and all it takes is looking at these faces and the pain doesn't matter one bit.

Miss Molly

Ally Boo Boo

Russell Man

Little Libby

YEP. Worth every moment. I love my babies more than life and all the joy they have brought into this world was worth the insignificant pain. When I started this post I was in a terrible and pathetic mood. My back went out yesterday after picking up Ally- who was hurt. It's moments like those that I NEEEEED to be a mommy and moments like those that my body has let me down time and time again. It's moments like those that I dream of being "normal."

Anyway, all this to say, I just want be able to be the mom I was meant to be and not laid up on the sofa every time I pick one of my kids up for a hug or push the Costco grocery cart. Ya know? Thank you from the bottom of my heart for listening to this rant. I can't tell you how good it feels to just get it out and vomit my emotions on this screen. I know I'm not the first or last person on earth to have these issues. Anyone been through this? Did it change your back pain? Anything I need to consider during the recovery?

My surgery is mid April. I will be in bed for 2 weeks after. I'm lucky to have Conor home for the first week. Within a month I'll be back to my old shenanigans with a new lease on life. Within a few months I'll be good as new (fingers crossed). It's time my hubby and children had a healthy partner and mom FULL TIME. I'm so over this senseless pain, I'VE GOT STUFF TO DO and I am so freaking tired of being down!